I'd rather be doing anything than my paper(s)

hence the influx of (bad) posts by moi.


GET THAT MOTHERFUCKING SNAKE OFF THIS MOTHERFUCKING BABY!!

seriously, though, cheapest nanny ever.




my favorite part is that the parents (or best older siblings ever, seriously don't tell mom and dad what they did) who filmed it can afford a video camera, but can't afford baby pants.

SoDak Rulz

I don't know how ya'll do it 'round these parts, but here's a little story of some legislation done in the LoDak style:

A House Concurrent Resolution was submitted in February 2008 to give one Martha Smith, an 80 year old woman, the hide of a mountain lion she recently killed from her back porch. You see, she came outside to find her dog in a standoff with the catamount, called 911 to deal with the problem, but upon being told that a "conservation officer" was not available currently, she grabbed her .22 caliber rifle and "taking steady aim" killed the cat.
When asked why she kept a loaded gun in the house she responded, "What good's a gun if it's not loaded?"

The legislature wants to give her the hide "to enjoy for a while" before donating it to a local museum, because she has "the spirit of the pioneers who tamed this prairie wilderness" and is someone who "will rise up and do what needs to be done."

to which locals have responded with mixed results:

-- "Good on you South Dakota!"

-- " May I remind you that Bill Janklow (ex-governor) has killed more people (drunk driving) than Mountain Lions."

--"The legislature must have decided that the Mountain Lion was Pro-Choice, somehow."

I take issue that I had to learn about this on my own time, and was never introduced to this kind of lawmaking in Lawst School.

Plus it's always easy to find hookers and drugs.

Today I found myself standing in a parking lot with a half dozen half-tards and miscreants, freezing, wet, hands numb, ass numb, halfheartedly making small talk when one of them says,

"Why the hell do you work in that dump?" When I just stare at him he says, "I mean in that fucking shithole slum. Oh, you live there too? What for?! Just a bunch of thugs."

OK, I'm not sure if it's agoraphobia or racism or the fact that that local news reports almost exclusively on the crime that occurs in poor/black/inner-city neighborhoods, but I get a lot of this and it really pisses me off. I love my neighborhood. It's diverse, it's close to a lot of really great restaurants and museums and cool eclectic houses and businesses and everything's open late. The people here look out for each other in a way unlike any other place I've ever lived, and they're fiercely proud of their neighborhoods. And it's NOT a slum, goddamnit.

Although, I just remembered that when Bars and Babbles stayed here one time we all woke up in the middle of the night because there were like 15 or 16 gunshots REALLY close. So maybe my point is invalid. Speaking of invalid - Babbles and Gal, have you guys seen the new courtroom-format Lewis Black show on Comedy Central? It has sort-of-funny assholes pretending to be lollers. Much like this blog.

Anyway, I was tired and cranky and I had cold wet feet inside my boots, but I swallowed my pride and told the guy that I didn't blame him for feeling that way because old white guys from the suburbs always get a little antsy in the city.

He was unimpressed with my magnanimity.

Living amongst the unwashed and illogical masses

So a while back I decided to try to live in a more healthy fashion. A big part of the attack plan for Operation: Cholesterol Bad, Beta Carotene Good was to change my awful, awful diet.

I bought a head of lettuce and a wad of cauliflower. Or maybe it's called a bunch, I don't know, whatever. Anyway, lettuce and cauliflower.

A few weeks later, which was approximately a few weeks since I'd given up, I realized I should have just named the plan Mission: Impossible and cleaned out the fridge.

Instead of throwing the lettuce and cauliflower (and yes, those two things were the only healthy foods I attempted to eat) into the garbage, I just tossed them into the backyard. And then I noticed that I had some stale bread, so I tossed that out, piece by piece all over the yard. I figured animals would eat it or something.


The next day my roommate told me that "Our asshole meth-head neighbors threw a bunch of rotten shit into our yard so I went out and threw it back."

He continued the story by telling me that as he was walking around the yard collecting the food (and then subsequently throwing it over the fence), our other neighbor, a nice old man (who lives on the other half of the meth-head duplex) came outside. He saw Roommate throwing the food into his yard. Roommate, caught red-handed, announced "Sorry, but your douchebag neighbor threw it into my yard and I don't want it."

The beauty of that statement is that it's true, only the douchebag neighbor is me.

In the end the nice old man had to walk around picking up the food, which I still don't understand, why we can't just let it rot in the yard. But whatever.

The lesson to be learned here is that none of this would have happened had I just bought more big boy chips like I had wanted to.


Also, three posts in two days; I guess this means there won't be another one for six weeks.