It's November; you're lonely, single, and desperate. You know that when you go back home for Christmas you're going to run into some of your old friends. You know the ones; the ones you can't stand to be around anymore. And you know they're going to ask you...
"How ya' been, what are ya' up to these days?"
But your job sucks. Your apartment sucks. Your friends suck. Your lovelife is non-existent. And know that after so-and-so asks you about your pathetic life, she's going to show you her big stupid diamond engagement ring.
This cannot happen. Again. We all remember your crying session from last year after you ran into that pimply girl who sat behind you in English class at the grocery store, the one who's pretty, rich, and happy now. How could that have happened? She was soooo pimply.
You must have a relationship by Christmas; or at least something that you can fake as a relationship.
So, in a moment of wine-induced strength you take that first step. Like Indiana Jones when he had to step onto the invisible bridge at the end of Last Crusade (spoiler alert: there's an invisible bridge).
You set up an online dating profile.
And before you know it, you've got five suitors filling up your inbox.
But there's only enough time in your schedule to go on two dates before the holidays; so pick two fellers to accompany you on a wild nite on the town...
Below, I've placed five personal ad profiles; some taken from a popular dating website, and some from the FBI's most wanted list. All the information is straight from the respective web site (I changed the wording only, never the content).
Step 1. pretend you're a pathetic girl (if you aren't one already)
Step 2. for each suitor, pretend you're the age that would date him
Step 3. pick two hunky beaus to buy you dinner
Step 4. try not to pick an axe murderer
Contestant No. 1
HistoryBuff_in_the_buff_420_69
Contestant number 1 is in his later years, seeking an older female to share his interests with. He is an avid reader who prefers historical nonfiction. He can often be found in the local library, or traveling to famous American historic sites. He enjoys walking, either in the park or at one of the nearby beaches. Extensively traveled throughout North America and Europe.
Contestant No. 2
NiceGuy_LastPlace_420_69
Contestant number 2 loves going out to dinner and catching a movie, going to book stores, coffee shops, garage sales, taking short road trips, and traveling. Also enjoys playing new golf courses around the country.
Contestant No. 3
Self/motivated_self/starter_420_69
Contestant number three is an eager self starter that has had to work for everything he has. He enjoys spending time on the lake, or just a night in with close friends.
Contestant No. 4
Bi_Party_Guy_420_69
This fine gentlemen is fluent in French has a Master's Degree in International Finance. He spends his time golfing, snowboarding, and clubbing. He's into fast cars, fast women, and curious boys. Serious inquiries only, please.
Contestant No. 5
Rowdyboy_420_69
Our final contestant is a good ole' boy who is a former fireman and current respiratory therapist. He likes to spend his time outdoors, whether it be hunting, fishing, or horseback riding with a special someone.
Answer key
