ancient solutions to modern problems

And the winner is...

1. criminal- used to run a mafia group and carries a knife at all times. Reward: 2 million.

2. dating website- and he has a fundamental disrespect for the rules of grammar.

3. dating website- and he lists his occupation as "Medical Diagnostic Imaging. Independent consultant and other areas ;) Beach Bum".
What is this supposed to mean? It's like the world's worst double entendre.

4. criminal- he shot and killed an armored car security guard in Arizona, and in addition, he has what the FBI calls "bisexual tendencies." So keep that in mind when you're playing Dog the Bounty Hunter and trying to capture him.

5. criminal- other interests include killing his wife and two young children, and then blowing up their house. And, according to the FBI, "he is known to chew tobacco heavily." What do you think that means?

side note: on every FBI profile I saw, they used the word "avid" when describing the suspect's interest. So beware of any people you know who do anything avidly.

It takes a fucking village or something

Look, we're clearly not good bloggers. We post infrequently and what we do post is just uninteresting. But you fucking commenters aren't exactly wowing us either.

You harass us in person rather than on the blog (Do we need a quick tutorial on what the comment function is for?) and it makes the blagh feel like homework. Now, given what you know about our feelings for school, can you see how that might not be a positive motivation?

And motivation is what this post is all about. Starting as soon as we get some decent comments, we're going be recognizing outstanding the outstanding ones. Not sure what an outstanding comment is? Me neither. But you can't go wrong dunking on Babbles.

A mother and child reunion is only a squalling catfight away

Babbles is bringing Kiki, the cat that lives with and barely tolerates him, home for the holidays.I'm pretty sure my sister will bring home her two cats, one of which is Kiki's offspring--Donkey.



(Donkey's the all-grey lump in the middle, patchouli's the cutie on the right)

When reintroduced we think the conversation will go something like this--

Kiki: You probably should have been fed to your siblings. Jesus, you're fat.

Donkey: If I had known what you were like I would have clawed your organs to ribbons while I was in the womb. Still drinking I see? They had to send me to AA when it was time for me to be weaned.

Kiki: What do they call you, again? Donkey? Kind of an ugly name isn't it?

Donkey: Didn't you used to call me your Little Slut Trophy?

Kiki: Oh no, honey, it was Patchouli I was proud of. We mostly just called you the dumb drooly one.

As if this blahg didn't make it crystal fucking clear

My life is kind of really pathetic. But in so many ways!

So, you know, reader's poll:

Which is more pitiful?

A. That last night I couldn't come up with $10 to keep a check from bouncing

or

B. That I couldn't come up with anyone to call and borrow $10 from

A christmas miracle

So I started the day by doing laundry (that way when I spend the next six hours doing nothing I can still respect myself). I was trying to figure out the correct way to pronounce "aposiopesis" as I was carrying the laundry basket down the stairs. I spaced out, missed a step and tripped.

Yes, I fell down the stairs- Hold your applause, I wasn't hurt, more embarassed than anything. And you know the worst part? I still have to do the goddamned laundry.

This never would have happened if I had just decided to watch TV for ten hours straight (which was my original plan for how to spend the day).

I need a domestic.



PS
The miralce is that I was doing laundry in the first place

This space has been reserved for a future blarg

I promise to write it tomorrow (wed.).

Have mercy.

And seriously, does anyone still read this anyway?

Creative Opportunities at Hearst College

Are you guys excited about the upcoming Reader-Submitted Veronica Mars Fanfic/Slash Episode Screenplay Contest?

Well get excited because I just made this up and we're totally doing it. I'm working on one where there is a student news pundit who is the Bill O'Reilly of Hearst College. Obviously Veronica will hate this guy but end up going to work for him when he becomes the prime suspect in some horrendous campus mystery crime that Veronica will solve when no one else can or even cares to try. I'm still working it all out. Also in this episode Veronica will fuck Logan a bunch and Wallace and Piz will really discover each other.

Deadline to be announced. If you don't already just pretty much intuitively grasp the scope, guidelines, and rules of this contest then you probably won't win. But still, you should totally enter.

Make it work, people.

Best vanity plate ever

Yesterday, while leaving the secret CIA torture facility school, Gal and I spotted the coolest vanity plate I've seen in real life- SNAPE

Q. How awesome is that?

A. Very awesome.

Now that's a dunk...

College Basketball

South Kingstown, RI
During last nite's match up of in-state rivals Rhode Island University and Providence College, the crowd from the more prestigious PC began chanting "Safety school, safety school" at both the players and fans from RI.

Additionally, the PC mascot, a student in a friar outfit, was banned from the game (apparently he was a real rascal at last year's meeting).

RI did end up winning the game, but really, who cares; that's the least interesting part of this story.

Also, there's more, but I'm bored. I think the band was banned too, and not just because the words are homophones. The cheerleaders, too.

God, I'd make an awful reporter, wouldn't I?

Two links that entertained me today

The 13 most offensive album covers according to some guy on the internet...

...And wigs for cats!

A 20 gigabyte ipod holds 5000 songs

The first long car ride I took myself was probably in 1999, and it was only five or so hours. This was during the time when napster was the greatest thing ever invented, so to prepare for my trip I would burn CDs. A five hour drive meant making five cds. If I put 20 songs on a cd, that's 100 songs for the entire trip (and I'd repeat them for the return drive).

A few years ago I got an ipod. Now when I take that same five hour drive, I take two or three thousand songs. And the thing is, I need that many.

Last time I drove to Dodge, I went through 65 songs before I hit Topeka. Topeka is 20 miles from Lawrence.

At this point my musical taste has been so infected by my ADD that I'm not sure if I even like music anymore. I think I might just like recognizing songs- oh, I know what this one is. Next.

It's pathetic, really. Which is nice, that way it matches up with everything else I do.

I just can't

I hate "Empire Records." Always have. Always will. It just smacks of trying so fucking hard. It was one of the things that helped turn 'alternative' into a pejorative. It's an awful movie.

But I still like that sugar high song.