Living amongst the unwashed and illogical masses

So a while back I decided to try to live in a more healthy fashion. A big part of the attack plan for Operation: Cholesterol Bad, Beta Carotene Good was to change my awful, awful diet.

I bought a head of lettuce and a wad of cauliflower. Or maybe it's called a bunch, I don't know, whatever. Anyway, lettuce and cauliflower.

A few weeks later, which was approximately a few weeks since I'd given up, I realized I should have just named the plan Mission: Impossible and cleaned out the fridge.

Instead of throwing the lettuce and cauliflower (and yes, those two things were the only healthy foods I attempted to eat) into the garbage, I just tossed them into the backyard. And then I noticed that I had some stale bread, so I tossed that out, piece by piece all over the yard. I figured animals would eat it or something.


The next day my roommate told me that "Our asshole meth-head neighbors threw a bunch of rotten shit into our yard so I went out and threw it back."

He continued the story by telling me that as he was walking around the yard collecting the food (and then subsequently throwing it over the fence), our other neighbor, a nice old man (who lives on the other half of the meth-head duplex) came outside. He saw Roommate throwing the food into his yard. Roommate, caught red-handed, announced "Sorry, but your douchebag neighbor threw it into my yard and I don't want it."

The beauty of that statement is that it's true, only the douchebag neighbor is me.

In the end the nice old man had to walk around picking up the food, which I still don't understand, why we can't just let it rot in the yard. But whatever.

The lesson to be learned here is that none of this would have happened had I just bought more big boy chips like I had wanted to.


Also, three posts in two days; I guess this means there won't be another one for six weeks.